3 Steps for Having Fun with Your Spouse

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

The following steps are a powerful method for discovering how to go out and have fun with your partner again. Use these steps to develop some activities you would like to try with your partner.

Step #1: Research What You Want to Do

The very first step in this process is to brainstorm what you want to do. Once you have done that it’s time to make a list of all the possible ways you might like to go out and have fun. Think about things you would like to do alone, and things you would like to do with your partner.

In this list, anything goes. We are in the early stages of brainstorming here and even the most hair-brained ideas should go down on a piece of paper as potential candidates for having fun. You will refine your list in a few minutes. For now, simply put down every fun thing you can think of. Use the activities and leisure sections of the newspaper, local or other magazines, the internet, AAA, and the local Chamber of Commerce for research. If the idea of skydiving pops into your mind, but you aren’t 100 percent certain this is something you want to do, go ahead and write it down. You can eliminate it later.

Also remember to include any activities you are already engaged in either alone or with your partner. You want to include as many fun ideas here as you can come up with, so make sure you include activities you already enjoy. Do not exclude activities due to difficulties, special equipment, travel, or other potential complaints, because ideas can come even from activities you might never do.

Step #2: Refine Your List

After you have as long a list as you can manage you will want to refine the list in a variety of ways.

First of all, share and discuss the list. Even when you eliminate those items that seem outrageous, ridiculous, or are of no interest, they might stimulate other useful ideas. So before you actually eliminate anything from the list, talk about it with your partner.

During this discussion you can start to remove some items from the list. If you were free in the brainstorming you may have come up with some pretty radical ideas that you may never realistically consider, and it is likely these will come off the list.

After this first round where you get rid of the easily-eliminated ideas, divide the ones that are left into five columns. The first column is personal interests you currently do alone. The second is personal interests you would like to try alone. The third is personal interests you would like to try with your spouse—it doesn’t matter if the interest is originally yours or your spouse’s. The fourth column is mutual interests you and your spouse currently have. And the last column should be things you think you and your spouse would enjoy doing together.

Step #3: Rank-order and Rate Your Ideas

For the final step in this process you are going to rank-order and rate your lists.

Start by writing them out in rank order. To do this, re-arrange each list in order of your personal preference—how much you, personally, might like to do this activity. The top item appeals to you most and the bottom item, the least.

Then go through and rate your top, middle, and bottom activities using a similar method to the one I described earlier. Rate them from 1 to 10—where 1 means, “Ho-hum this is of little interest to me,” or, “I don’t think either one of us would like this,” and 10 means, “Wow! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could do this together.” Don’t let your partner see your work at this point.

Next, repeat the ranking and rating exercise for what you think your spouse would like if you were doing the activity together.

Now it’s time to sit down with your spouse and discuss all this. I assume you have both done this exercise. After at least a brief discussion where you compare ideas, likes and dislikes, you can, if you are both willing, share your papers with each other.

You should be ready now to make a joint list of fun activities you would both like to try. Lists like this are living lists—they are not carved in stone. Your joint list will offer you a jumping-off place, a list of ideas and possibilities. Since people and circumstances change over time, you will want to redo this exercise from time to time.

Go out. Try some of the activities together. Find out which ones you like and don’t like. You might find one or some activities that are wonderful for both of you. You might find one or some activities that are “okay” enough that you would want to repeat them once in a while. You might find some that you don’t enjoy all that much and there’s no harm done. Think of this as a fun experiment so that even those activities you end up not wanting to repeat can provide memories for you to laugh about together.

I know this exercise may seem a little mechanical on the surface for something as light-hearted as having fun with your spouse. But it’s actually a great way to come up with ideas about fun things to do together.

In fact, even if having fun isn’t a problem for you, doing the exercise can be revealing. It’s always healthy to come up with new ways to enjoy time with your spouse. Doing so can only help save your marriage.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.