5 Building Blocks for a Totally Transparent Relationship

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

To turn the trust back on in your relationship and luxuriate in that bright light again will take time and practice. You have to commit to the time it takes to rebuild the trust that one or both of you destroyed in your marriage.

The more you practice being authentically transparent, the more your spouse will begin to trust you again. Each time one or both of you acts in a transparent way it will take you one more step toward being able to trust one another again. On the other hand, if one of you fails to be transparent, or you act in a way that makes your spouse question the trust she is beginning to feel, it will take you at least two steps back.

To help you achieve a more transparent and trusting relationship, here are the 5 Building Blocks to Total Transparency. These concepts and techniques will help you rebuild the trust in your relationship step by step as time passes. Use them wisely and practice them consistently.

Building Block #1: Share Everything without Attaching Yourselves at the Hip

In essence, anything you do that stands in the way of a completely free and open exchange in your marriage is going to create problems at some point. The more you withhold from your spouse, the more difficult you make it for him to trust you. If you have trust issues already, hiding information from your spouse is definitely going to cause problems in your relationship.

The answer is to turn this pattern of withholding information and lying on its head and start sharing virtually everything. A disclaimer is in order here, because there are cases where your spouse may not want details about your life away from him or her. You’ll have to adjust accordingly, and keep in mind that it is the spirit of honesty and truthfulness that is most important—not the letter of each detail.

Share authentically, freely, openly and fully. It’s the first step to becoming totally transparent, and it is going to take you a major step toward healing your relationship.

Building Block #2: Openly Express Your Thoughts and Feelings

Sharing with your spouse ultimately encompasses more than sharing information about the day to day details of your life together. It means sharing your heart and soul with your mate as well.

When you share what you think and how you feel, you create an environment in which trust can blossom again. If your spouse truly knows what you think, how you feel, and what you plan, then she has less reason to mistrust you or feel suspicious.

Building Block #3: Use Your Suspicions to Zero in on Problem Areas

To rebuild the trust in your marriage you are going to have to zero in on areas where trust is a problem for you and make a special effort to be transparent in those areas.

If you already know where your problems lie, I suggest you look carefully at those areas, sit down with your spouse, and discuss some actions you might take to become more transparent in those particular areas or just implement the positive changes on your own so you can overcome the problems with trust and rebuild your marriage. I have already given you examples of how you might approach this.

On the other hand, if you aren’t sure why trust is a major issue in your relationship, or you can’t pinpoint the areas you need to work on, I have a technique that will help you. You can use your suspicions to zero in on problem areas in your relationship.

When suspicious feelings come up, don’t try to shut them down, bury them, or convince yourself “that you have nothing to be suspicious of.” In some cases your suspicious feelings may be justified. If your spouse has had an affair, for example, being suspicious is only natural.

Even if your suspicions aren’t justified, they are still useful. They are signals telling you what you would like to have in your relationship.

Building Block #4: Develop a No-Lies Policy

Another thing you can do to increase the transparency in your relationship is develop a “no lies policy.” This is exactly what it sounds like it is. You vow to yourself that you simply will not lie anymore, at all.

You take this vow yourself, because you are raising your personal standard, you are developing your personal character, and when you mess up you will not have given another empty vow to your wife. Instead, when you mess up it becomes a challenge to you and an opportunity to demonstrate your better character to yourself by admitting the lie to your spouse as quickly as possible and re-committing to yourself to be a better person whose word is accepted as truth.

Building Block #5: Never Shut Your Partner Out

This final building block to a totally transparent relationship will not only help you become more transparent, but it will also help you maintain whatever transparency you gain using the first four building blocks.

Work to not shut your partner out of any part of your life in any way, and work to keep the lines of communication as open and free as they can be. Maintaining openness demonstrates to your partner that you are dedicated to a truly transparent relationship. You show your partner that you want to rebuild the trust that has been torn down and work toward healing your relationship.

The idea is to put your best foot forward, work hard to rebuild what has been damaged in your relationship, and work out the missteps and mistakes as they come. You aren’t going to become perfectly transparent. But you can do your best and work to refine your transparency over the course of your marriage.

If you do that, you increase your chances of rebuilding what has been damaged in your relationship, restoring the trust, and finding a path to a happy marriage that lasts a lifetime.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.