7 Forms of Trust and Their Roles in Your Relationship

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Most people believe you either trust a person or you don’t. When you’re in a marriage where trust is a problem, where one or both spouses are having a hard time trusting each other, it can certainly feel this way. In fact, many couples who are suffering with trust issues will say things like, “I just don’t trust him at all,” or, “I wish I could trust her in even the smallest ways, but I can’t.”

Upon close investigation statements like this tend to fall apart. There are very few marriages where one spouse doesn’t trust the other at all. You might feel that’s true, and the feeling might make you think you can’t trust your partner at all, but usually the thought turns out to be an exaggeration based on something(s) that has happened.

The reason is that if you look at it carefully you can usually find at least one area you trust your spouse in no matter how bad your relationship is. Even in relationships where infidelity is a problem, people who say they “can’t trust their spouse” usually are able to locate at least some area where they do trust their spouse.

The point here is that trust takes many different forms in a relationship. When one form of trust is breached, it often seems as though you can’t trust your spouse whatsoever. But usually this isn’t the case. More often than not, there are other areas in which you have complete faith in your spouse. This is an important realization to come to if you are having problems trusting your partner.

In any event, understanding that trust isn’t a black and white issue and looking carefully at areas of trust you may never have considered is an important step in opening up your awareness of how trust operates in your relationship.

The First Form of Trust: Fidelity

One of the most obvious and important forms of trust a marriage is built on is fidelity. We count on our spouses to stay within the boundaries of marriage for sexual fulfillment. In fact, this is one of the most important commitments you make in a relationship, and even if you have never openly vowed to be loyal to your partner this promise is implicit in any committed relationship.

The Second Form of Trust: Physical Safety

This is another area of trust that is almost invisible to some people. Unless your spouse has threatened your physical safety (or his own) either directly or indirectly, this may be an area of trust you have never even considered.

Yet, like fidelity, it is one area where we rely on our spouses in profound ways. Take a moment to imagine what it might be like to live in a household where you never knew if you were physically safe. Imagine how it would make you feel if you weren’t sure whether or not your children were going to be safe.

The Third Form of Trust: Parenting

Having children is an extraordinary experience on many levels. It certainly changes your life with your spouse in a variety of ways, and it shifts the dynamics of your marriage and household as well.

One way children have a major impact on your life is in your ability to trust your spouse. When you share the responsibilities of parenting children you have to learn to let go and trust your partner with the kids unless he is putting them in some kind of physical danger (for example, drinking and driving with them, leaving them unattended in a non-childproofed environment, or otherwise behaving in a negligent way).

Anytime you leave your spouse to take care of your kids you are showing him a form of trust. You might see your spouse make mistakes from time to time and you might not agree with everything your partner does with the kids, but in the end you generally develop some level of parenting trust.

The Fourth Form of Trust: Financial Security

Financial security in our world is vastly more important than many people consciously consider. If you aren’t financially secure, much of your life is in danger. Money allows us to keep a home, feed ourselves and our family, and live the quality of life we live. Without it, we don’t do very well in this society.

The Fifth Form of Trust: Emotional Predictability

As unromantic as it may sound on the surface, a large part of a healthy marriage is being emotionally predictable. So many of us count on our spouses to react in predictable ways so much of the time, that it may be hard for you to imagine what it’s like to live with an emotionally unpredictable person.

The Sixth Form of Trust: Truthfulness

If there are trust problems in your relationship it is likely that truthfulness is one of your areas of mistrust. Mistrust is often (though not always) based at least one partner lying.

The Seventh Form of Trust: Discretion

Being able to trust your spouse with sensitive personal information, knowing he won’t betray family secrets, and having confidence he won’t intentionally embarrass you in public all fall under a form of trust I refer to as discretion.

In a marriage you share information with your spouse you would never share with another person. There are things your partner knows about you and your family that you probably would not want the world to know about—sometimes not even another soul. This is natural and healthy. We all have private aspects of our lives we wouldn’t want displayed to those outside our marriage.

It is my hope that by exploring trust in this kind of detail you are able to understand that trust is not a single issue. This in itself should help you see that there are areas of your relationship where you do trust your spouse even if things are awful between you right now.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.