A Few Tips to Getting You Started on the Road to Repair

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Breaking the bond of fidelity and going outside your marriage for sexual fulfillment is one of the worst things you can do to your spouse and to your marriage. It constitutes the worst kind of betrayal, it destroys trust, it causes an enormous amount of pain, and it puts a marriage in more danger than almost anything else you can do.

I don’t say this to rub your nose in what you’ve done. I imagine if you’re reading this section of this book right now you already have some sense of what a profound mistake you have made cheating on your partner and you have some sense of the pain your partner is experiencing.

As such, one of the first thing I ask people to do who have cheated on their spouse is imagine what you might think if your “baby” sister, a close female relative, or a trusted female friend came to you and told you that her spouse cheated on her. Take a few moments to fully imagine this now. Your “baby” sister has just been betrayed by her husband and she has told you about it. Bring this image fully to your mind.

Now imagine what this person might have to do to redeem himself in the eyes of your sister (saying nothing of what he might have to do to redeem himself to you). What kind of internal character changes would this person have to undergo to prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he would never cheat again? How could he make your sister believe she could trust him again? What kinds of behaviors would he have to display to prove that he cared for his marriage, and would never even think about betraying his oath of fidelity again?

If you sit with this exercise for a little while, imagine the situation as clearly as you can, and take the time to answer these questions in some detail, you may have the beginning of a hint of what you need to do to repair your marriage. This is the kind of betrayal you have engaged in, and it’s going to be a long road to undo the pain you have caused and rebuild your relationship.

With real commitment the work of reconstructing the trust and repairing your character can be done. You can save your marriage. You can repair the damage you’ve caused. And you can regain your spouse’s trust if your spouse is also willing to do the work of putting your relationship back together.

What’s more, if you are going to successfully put your relationship back together again, it has to be better than it ever was in the past in order to make it successful into the future.

In the meantime I have 3 Tips that Will Help You Begin to Repair Your Marriage. These tips are only the very first steps on your road to healing, but they are powerful and necessary steps and you should start working on them now.

Tip #1: Come Clean about the Affair

If you haven’t told your spouse about the affair, now is the time to do so. The very first thing you need to do to overcome the pain of infidelity so you can rebuild your relationship is to tell your spouse about the affair.

Tip #2: End the Affair if You Haven’t Already Done So

Up to this point you have been behaving very much like a person addicted to a drug. Your affair (like a drug) gave you great feelings at one point. It may still if you are still engaged in it. That’s why you got involved in an affair to begin with. It felt good in some way.

It’s time to give up your paramour once and for all. You must end all communication with this person starting now, and you must not go back if you are going to rebuild your relationship.

Tip #3: Become Transparent and End the Lies

This final tip is the most practical tool I have to help you rebuild the trust that has been destroyed by an affair. After you accomplish the first two goals above, I strongly urge you to adopt a policy of total transparency with your spouse, and vow to stop lying completely.

This won’t be an easy process, and it will take a long time to regain the trust that has been lost. But it can happen, if you are diligent and you know how to prove to your spouse that you are worthy of being trusted.

Consider what’s at stake. Your marriage is on the line here. Take a bold, brave step, and become transparent with your partner.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.