Become Sensitive to Dangerous Situations

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Most of you probably already have some sense of situations that might put your relationship in danger. I think most people have an internal sense of where appropriate boundaries lie in relationships. You may not always like those boundaries. But, if you look inside yourself, you will find that they are there.

You need to tune into these internal sensitivities. Don’t shut them down because you think it’s more fun to engage in an inappropriate behavior than to protect your marriage. If you do this, you destroy the fence before it’s even been built.

One attitude that helps establish your internal sensitivity is to make it really clear for yourself that your primary commitment and loyalty is to your spouse—not to anyone else. If you have that in place and some difficult situation arises, you will already have made your decision that you are siding with and being open with your spouse—no secrets with someone else even when it makes you uncomfortable to admit to whatever difficult situation happened.

You need to develop this kind of internal personal sense for what might endanger your relationship both for yourself and for your partner. Then you need to use this voice to draw some boundaries about how you act and what you do in your marriage.

Once you have developed a sense for what is and is not appropriate in your marriage, it’s time to listen to that voice and set some boundaries for yourself about how you will act. The sensitivity you develop and the boundaries you set and follow are really selfish even though, when properly set, they will reassure and comfort your spouse.

Setting the boundaries means listening to the information your internal voice is giving you and acting on that information in a way that will protect the sanctity of your marriage.

You should also discuss where appropriate boundaries in your relationship are with your spouse. Doing this will help you confirm the investigation you have been doing on your own about boundaries in your marriage and will help you solidify some of the most important boundaries in your relationship.

Like all conversations, you should remain open and honest during this discussion. Listen to what your spouse says, and try to understand as completely as you can without judging what is being said.

Over the course of your lives together you will find yourself in many different circumstances that you won’t be able to predict or plan for. That is why you set your own internal sensitivity and maintain the open communication with your spouse.

Just talk with your spouse about whatever comes up and develop reasonable boundaries in as many representative circumstances as possible. It won’t be perfect. But if you make it clear you are serious about maintaining the sanctity of your relationship and your loyalty to your spouse it will make a huge difference in your marriage. It will help deepen your connection and create a safe environment for love and commitment to flourish.

Good fences make good partners. Take the time to develop the necessary protection against forces that threaten to tear your relationship apart. If you cherish your marriage, you will protect it. Build fences, and keep danger out while you keep the love in.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.