Being Romantic: The Key to Unlocking Intimacy

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

When we are young and first fall in love, romance and intimacy seem to come so easily. Jim and Tonya’s story above is a perfect example of this. They fell in love hard and fast. The months and years that followed were filled with plenty of romance and intimacy.

As the years wore on and the pace of married life picked up, what with children, careers, and the chores of day to day living, Jim and Tonya’s romantic life disintegrated. It was replaced by things that, on the face of it, seemed more “important.”

You may find yourself in the same situation right now. Perhaps you have had a similar experience to Jim and Tonya. At one point in your relationship everything seemed great. There was plenty of romance and you loved being intimate and tender with your spouse.

But as you have grown older and your marriage has aged, the romance has been replaced by the same kind of daily needs every one of us faces. On the surface that may not seem too bad. It may even seem natural. But in reality it can cause serious problems in your relationship.

In fact, it can mean the eventual death of your marriage if you aren’t careful. When romance dies, intimacy often goes with it, and as I have already said, without intimacy it is very hard to keep that specialness in your marriage.

The reason romance is so important is that it creates opportunities for intimacy. Romance is the act of doing or saying something special to your spouse that shows her how much you care about her, how much you want to be with her, and how attractive she is to you. It is a heartfelt expression of your love for her. And if you are the wife, just switch the genders around for the same message.

If romance comes from your heart, if it’s an honest expression of your feelings, it has the power to unlock some of the most intimate moments in your relationship. Real romance always does this, because real romance comes from the heart. Let me explain.

Real romance comes from a deep part of you that says, “I really care about you, and I couldn’t imagine living my life without you.” And as such, real romance almost always means you have to make yourself vulnerable. It means opening up and offering a real expression of the love you have for your spouse.

Any time you do that, you are unlocking an opportunity for intimacy. You create the possibility to develop a deeper connection with your spouse. You open up the opportunity for a tender, meaningful interaction in which the two of you share something special that you would share with no one else.

If the intimacy has died away in your relationship, if you want to reignite the passion you once had and reconnect with your spouse on that special intimate level you once knew, the key to doing this is romance.

When I say that, it may scare a few of you off. The men reading this (and some of the women too) may think, “But I’m just not romantic. It’s just not who I am. I’m just a plain old guy.”

I have heard this from MANY clients in the past. There are people out there that are convinced they aren’t skilled in the art of romance. And maybe they aren’t. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Let’s say you aren’t all that talented at romance. Let’s assume it isn’t something that comes naturally to you. For whatever reasons, social, psychological, or otherwise, you just aren’t a naturally romantic person.

Even if this is the case, there is still some good news. Romance is not an inborn talent. It isn’t something that is written in your genetic makeup. Romance is a skill that can be learned. And even the most unromantic person can learn how to be a Casanova with a little practice.

The beauty is that romance doesn’t even have to be all that complicated. Romance can even be tailored to your personality and background. One of the misconceptions people have is that to be romantic you have to be some super-suave movie star like Brad Pitt or George Clooney, wining and dining women the way they do in the movies.

But this is the furthest thing from the truth. You don’t have to be a movie star and romance doesn’t have to be complicated. Even the simplest expressions of your feelings can open up an opportunity for intimacy.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.