Changing Your Marriage By Yourself

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

What if both of you aren’t committed to change? What if you want to rebuild your marriage, but you can’t get that same commitment from your spouse? Is there a way you can change your marriage by yourself?

If you are asking this question, you aren’t alone. I have seen a lot of people who can’t get the kind of commitment they want from their spouse and are facing the possible necessity of changing the relationship on their own.

When you are in this situation you basically have two options. And I want to outline both of them fully so you know exactly where you stand when you face changing your relationship alone. So let’s look at The Two Ways to Save Your Marriage by Yourself.

Saving Your Marriage by Yourself Option #1: Deepen Your Own Commitment

If you are facing the daunting prospect of saving your marriage by yourself, the first thing you may choose to do is deepen your own commitment to the relationship, decide you are going to give it everything it needs to keep going, and nourish it completely without the help of your partner. In other words…

…Do a whole lot more of what you are probably already doing and some of what you are not yet doing.

There are many relationships out there where one partner does almost all the work. Generally, in my experience, it’s the wife who is putting in double or triple time to keep the marriage alive. She takes care of the house, takes care of the kids, feeds her husband (physically and emotionally), backs out of arguments, sacrifices her own needs, and takes the hit for almost anything that goes wrong.

As long as you aren’t being abused in a situation like this (and in some cases that can be a fine line) this isn’t necessarily a “bad” way to live. Each relationship is different. And no one has the right to judge what you do. If you feel comfortable and happy providing everything to your relationship, then there’s nothing wrong with this.

So one thing you can do when you face the prospect that your husband (or wife) isn’t interested in committing to change is to redouble your own efforts and do EVERYTHING for the marriage.

It may be that if you redouble your efforts and really give of yourself to your marriage in this way, that your husband will suddenly wake up to the amount of work and sacrifice you have put into your relationship, but it’s not likely.

Because this is true, I have a second, more powerful option for you, if you can manage to put it into effect—not everyone can.

Saving Your Marriage by Yourself Option #2: Pull Away and Become a Mystery

The second option is more difficult to put into effect, and some people have a hard time making it work. But when it does work, it can really wake your partner up to all you’ve been doing for him. In essence, this technique comes down to one sentence:

Pull away and become a mystery.

What you need to do is make it clear to him what he would be losing if he doesn’t choose to change. And the only way to do that is to pull away a little and make yourself a bit of a mystery.

Instead of becoming even MORE invested in your relationship as in option #1, you become a little LESS invested. Pull away some of your love and kindness. Do something mysterious and unexpected to get your partner’s attention.

There are several things that you are hoping to achieve in this strategy. One is to give him just a little taste of what life would be without you. Another goal is to show that you are capable of changing, rather than being the same ho-hum person your spouse thinks you are now. You also want him to remember what it was like when you first got together—a time when he didn’t think he knew all about you. Finally, you want him to see you as fun-loving and attractive so that you have value in his eyes again.

Now, how do you go about implementing this strategy? You might arrange to go out with a friend (someone of your same gender—non-threatening to your relationship) for a night on the town. Don’t check in. And when you come home keep information about the evening to yourself. Don’t tell him what you did. If he asks questions remain vague, except to avoid an argument, and even then give as little as you can get away with.

You might start exercising more, and losing weight—but don’t point out either of these or any other improvements you are making. Make yourself attractive on a regular basis. On random days, wear makeup and dress slightly more formally than you have been when you’re at home.

Stand up for yourself in arguments if you haven’t been doing this. Don’t automatically back down or give in.

And if he tries to “get back at you” with the same kind of behavior; for example, if he stays out late without an explanation DO NOT ask him a single question about it. Simply make it appear as though you’re uninterested in what he’s doing.

When properly done, several things are going to happen. First of all, you are forcing your partner into a position to pick up some of the slack in your relationship which could wake him up to all the work you’ve been putting into the relationship.

Secondly you’re reminding him of what life would be like without you. As you pull away he gets a very small taste of what it would be like if you weren’t there at all.

And finally, you are reminding him of why he fell in love with you in the first place. By stepping out of your regular routine and becoming a little freer with the way you look and act, you are liable to make him think about why he loves having you in his life. And this thinking can be a powerful influence.

To pull this off takes a bit of a balancing act. You’re trying to send a message by withholding information, but unless you’re careful about the way you proceed, it may not work. You definitely DON’T want to do anything that’s going to put your relationship in more jeopardy.

Keep in mind that you’re trying to save your marriage, not deal it the final death blow.

You might feel fake doing this, and that’s why a lot of people can’t pull it off. They feel like they are lying and “just can’t do that.” So they resort to option one.

In a way you are being fake, but in another way you are returning to some earlier parts of you that were left behind.

If you’re going to see results, you’ll probably see them within the first two weeks or so. If you don’t see them by then, you’re much less likely to see a change.

It’s not a bad thing to pull your spouse back into your marriage. In most cases he would be miserable without you; he just doesn’t know that yet. No need to wait until it’s too late for him to figure it out. Become a mystery for a little while and see if you can help shift his attitude. The payoff could be worth it.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.