Developing “I” Statements
From: Dr. Frank
Gunzburg
When you learn to
express your anger appropriately it can actually be a helpful emotion.
Anger can be a signal for you about things that feel wrong for you in your
relationship or in your life. And learning how to express it appropriately can
help you make change where change is possible.
If we accept the
idea that anger comes from within you (and there can be little doubt that it
does), then the only appropriate way to express your anger is through the use
of “I” statements.
“I” statements
are a method by which you can take ownership of your anger and express it in a
productive way without turning it outward by blaming your partner or acting in
a rageful way. These statements are called “I” statements because they describe
what is happening inside you. They aren’t about your spouse or the world at
large, but an expression of your personal experience in a particular
circumstance. They are powerful not only because they give you the power to
express your anger in more controlled ways, but they often open up the
possibility of conversation about issues that are disturbing you.
So let’s get
started creating “I” statements. Keep in mind as you read these instructions
that if you don’t do this naturally, you will be a beginner at this. Like any
beginner, you should practice during non-stressful times with low stress issues.
That will minimize your frustration and maximize your ability to work through
the exercise.
Expressing Your Anger in a Healthy Way: A Method for
Developing “I” Statements
There are many
ways to develop “I” statements. In my practice, I coach people through the
procedure, giving suggestions and examples. However, I recently ran across Hope
Morrow’s trauma website and I thought she did a really fine job of describing
the method for developing these statements. I have her permission to share this
with you. I have modified, deleted, and added to her material to stay more in
line with my own method, but a large part of this comes from her essay and if
you want, you can read her original essay at http://home.earthlink.net/~hopefull/i-statem.htm.
Let’s get started with the basic components for “I” statements.
Start by
developing each of these four steps, then follow the instructions and check the
guidelines afterwards.
1)
You need to begin with
"I"
2)
You have to know what
YOU feel or want and the intensity of your feelings or desires.
3)
You have to describe
the event that evoked your feeling(s) or desire—something objective or
observable that BOTH of you will agree on, and
4)
You have to figure out
the effect and intensity the event has on YOU.
Combine
these pieces to form a sentence as follows:
"I
feel ____#2____ when ____#3____, because _____#4_____.
EXAMPLE:
"(1) I feel (2) very scared (3) when you are late home from work, because
(4) I worry that something might have happened to you."
After you have done some of these,
you do not have to stick with this order. You can use the same basic elements
and switch the order. I’ll give you an example later.
Creating and
communicating “I” statements might be difficult at first, but it gets easier
with practice.
The Potential Pitfalls
for “I” Statements
- Avoid inserting
"that" or "like." The phrases "I feel that…" or "I feel
like…" introduce thoughts not feelings and usually include an opinion or
critical judgment. The use of "I feel" should always be followed by a
feeling such as "sad," "glad," or
"afraid." Feelings describe what you experience in your body—not
what you think in your head.
- Avoid disguised YOU
statements. These include
sentences that begin with "I feel that you…" or "I feel like
you…" These statements begin with the word “feel” which can throw everyone
off, including the speaker, as to what the true message is. These are thinking
statements masquerading as feeling statements by using the word “feel.”
Typically, this beginning is followed by criticism in the form of opinions or
judgments, and put your partner in a one-down position.
- Your good feelings
should outnumber your bad feelings by at least two to one. Some people spend a lot of time focusing
on communicating their negative feelings and forget to communicate their
positive feelings. Expressing your joy, happiness, relief, etc. when your
partner has done something that elicits these feelings in you is equally
important.
Once you have
made your “I” statement, close the statement quickly without too much expounding,
lest you undo the hard work you have done creating your “I” statement.
Remain open
and honest as best you can. It is usually hard to talk about emotions, especially overpowering and negative
emotions like anger.
Dr. Frank
Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is
helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. |
