How to Overcome the Wounds Infidelity Causes

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Infidelity is one of the most devastating and traumatic experiences a human being can face.

If you have had this kind of experience, if you have been suffering because your spouse had an affair, you should know that you aren’t alone. Though it is taboo to speak of it in our culture, infidelity is actually a much more common problem than many people think.

The studies on exactly how common infidelity is are not clear. In some part this is because people have different definitions of what constitutes infidelity. And in some part it is because few people are completely honest when answering surveys about whether or not they have cheated on their partners.

The following information is a direct quote from David M. Buss and Todd K. Shackelford, Susceptibility to Infidelity in the First Year of Marriage published in the Journal of Research in Personality 31, pages 193 through 221 (1997). It may give you some sense for the commonality of infidelity:

Although extramarital sex may be the marital activity most cloaked in secrecy, empirical estimates of affairs over the course of a marriage range from 30 to 60% for  men and from 20 to 50% for women (Glass & Wright, 1992; Kinsey, Pomeroy, & Martin 1948; Kinsey, Pomoroy, Martin, & Gebhard, 1953; Hunt, 1975; Athanasiou, Shave, & Tavris, 1970; Levin, 1975; Petersen, 1983). Estimates of the combined probability that at least one member of a married couple will have an affair over the course of a marriage range from 40 to 76% (Thompson, 1983). Estimates of infidelity over the course of a single year of marriage, however, obviously yield lower estimates such as 5% (e.e., Greeley, 1991). A conservative interpretation of these figures suggests that although perhaps half of all married couples remain monogamous, the other half will experience infidelity over the course of a marriage.

Now, let’s take a few moments to think about marriage and what it means to take marriage vows. When we promise to live our lives with another person, we are promising faithfulness and fidelity for life.

This doesn’t necessarily mean we won’t find someone else who is more attractive, smarter, funnier, taller, or whatever at some point over the course of our marriage. What it does mean is that when we find someone like that, we won’t do anything about it—in fact, we promise to take steps to avoid having anything happen when we promise fidelity for life.

Often, affairs begin quite when an innocent relationship that has been developing for some period of time turns into an affair. This relationship might truly be innocent for one of the people involved in it. This person may have no idea that there is any attraction present for the other person.

But, after a marital argument, or after a few drinks on a business trip, or while comforting the other person in a time of distress, one thing leads to another, and…

If your marriage is really important to you, you need to take steps to avoid getting this close. Later, in section 10, I’ll talk about building a fence around your marriage to protect it from these kinds of encounters.

For now let’s return to our discussion of the marriage vow. A marriage vow requires that you protect your marriage at all costs. Unfortunately, this is a commitment many people don’t take seriously.

Let’s pretend for a moment that you have slipped and you are in one of the risky situations like I described above. Things have not been going well for you in your business, your spouse has been complaining about almost everything and demanding more and more of your time, you just had a blow-out argument with your spouse and you know that your favorite sympathetic “friend” is waiting at the office to greet you with a warm and special smile “just for you.”

What does the marriage vow tell you about this situation? It says you could argue with your spouse, you could yell, you could storm out of the house in a huff, you could sit and change the atmosphere by trying to work it out, you could take a deep breath and tell your spouse how committed you are to him or her and how committed you are to working this out, you could insist on going to counseling either as a couple or individually, you could talk about spending the night at your mother’s house, you could begin the process of separation or divorce, or any number of other things.

The fact is, you have many options in a situation like this, but none of these options includes having an affair or getting closer to someone of the opposite gender. If you value your marriage and abide by the vow you made, this is a line you won’t cross.

In short, this comes down to one simple concept:

You cannot justify having an affair because of something your spouse did or didn’t do or for any other reason. Whatever has happened in your relationship, in your personal life, or both does not justify going outside your marriage for any reason whatsoever.

So here you are, after the affair and wondering what, if anything, you can do about it. Well let me assure you of this…

You can heal from the wounds infidelity has caused your marriage if you and your partner are both truly committed to doing so. It isn’t easy. It takes time and patience, it will be a painful process, and it will be hard work. But it can be done if you are both committed to doing it.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.