Learning How to Talk Again
From: Dr. Frank
Gunzburg
As I mentioned
above, there are MANY forms of communication. But we can basically divide all
communication into two major categories:
- Verbal communication
- Nonverbal
communication
The distinctions
between these two are pretty obvious. Verbal communication is anything that has
to do with words and nonverbal communication is everything else.
Talking is one of
the most powerful tools we humans possess. We are capable of communicating very
sophisticated feelings without words, but in the normal course of a
relationship, we need verbal specificity when we want assurance that our
intended message is being received. For example, thoughts like “I’d like to
take you to the Starlight Restaurant for dinner to remember our first date
there together,” or “When I see that sparkle in your eyes, I remember how much
you mean to me and how much I love you,” are nearly impossible to communicate
without words.
Verbal
communication also includes business exchanges—just communicating straight
information from one person to the other. This is important to maintain the
logistics of keeping your life running smoothly without unpleasant surprises
such as your spouse not showing up for dinner because he failed to inform you
of conflicting plans.
Compliments and
love expressions are another possible form of communication between you. You
can compliment and appreciate each other for appearance, for special skills,
for assistance, and for many other aspects of your partners being and
personality.
When you don’t
talk with your partner, you risk sending the message that you don’t care or
that you are uninvolved in the marriage. If your verbal communication is
littered with name calling, derogatory criticisms, defensiveness,
passive-aggressive behavior, and withholding information, then you also risk
sending the message that you don’t want to be in the relationship—even if this
isn’t the message you intend to send.
Therefore,
learning how to talk in a healthy, productive, positive, emotionally deepening
way is a skill and a process you should learn if you are going to make your
marriage all it can be.
But before you
learn a style of talking and listening that will help you deepen your emotional
connection, we need to set some ground rules about how conversations (and communication
in general) should happen. If you have had serious communication problems in
your relationship, these ground rules are a good place to start. They will
teach you what you need to do so you can start talking together again.
Rule #1: Be
Open, Honest and Respectful
Healthy
relationships are founded on honesty. If you are lying to your spouse,
withholding sensitive information, distorting the facts, or keeping secrets, it
will slowly eat away at your marriage. No matter how good you are at keeping secrets
or withholding information, it is my experience that, in time, these behaviors
will tear the two of you apart.
Rule #2: Know
What to Ask and What Not to Ask
Being completely
honest holds some potential dangers if you aren’t careful. Asking question you
don’t really want the answers to, or pursuing conversations that are obviously
destructive is NOT the way to develop healthy communication. If one person is
feeling guilty and the other takes this as an opportunity to pile on more guilt
and to lambaste the person, this is more likely to lead to desires to end the
relationship rather than wanting to repair it.
And let’s face
it: there are things you probably don’t want the answers to. For example, you
probably don’t want to ask your spouse, “What’s the single thing you dislike
most about me?” Since no one is perfect, there has to be an answer to this that
involves some criticism of you—a criticism your partner might rarely think
about except that you asked the question. Where could that possibly lead except
down a road of pain, frustration, and disappointment?
Rule #3: Find
a Good Time and Place to Talk and Do It Regularly
If you haven’t
been talking much or if your relationship is in trouble, and there are a lot of
problems the two of you need to work out together, I recommend you open the
lines of communication by scheduling a time and place to talk and then commit
to keeping that appointment.
Rule #4:
Define One Topic for What the Conversation Will be About
Like the rule
above, this is a suggestion for a broken relationship, and it most
appropriately applies to the scheduled conversations you committed to. When you
get into spontaneous or emotionally deepening conversation in the steps below
it’s not necessary to define what the conversation is about, but you will see
that my strategies for those talks generally limit a conversation to one area
anyway.
Rule #5: Know What to Do if a Conversation Gets Out of
Hand
Some
conversations will inevitably become heated, and some will turn into arguments.
Others might make one of you so uncomfortable that you have a hard time
continuing the discussion in a reasonable way. These things happen in every
relationship and they aren’t something you need to worry about as long as you
have the skills to handle these instances in a healthy way that doesn’t
threaten your relationship.
Dr. Frank
Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is
helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. |
