Turn Bad Jealousy into Good Jealousy

From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

When you encounter bad jealousy, one of the first things you will probably want to have answered is whether or not your jealousy is justified. Did he really do something to make that woman act that way? Has she fallen out of love with me? Is he ready to look for satisfaction (of any kind) outside our relationship? Was she trying to make me feel jealous?

These questions are perfectly understandable. And in some cases, they are important to ask. There are certainly situations where your jealousy is justified. This is definitely true when there has been a serious infraction of some kind (like an affair). But it can even hold true in less extreme situations.

Whether or not the jealousy is “justified” one thing is certain—you have the right to feel what you feel. This is a right everyone has. You shouldn’t condemn yourself for feeling jealous, nor should you spend too much time trying to justify your jealous feelings. They are there, whether they are justified or not, and unless you learn to handle them in healthy ways, they are going to affect your relationship.

What’s more, it ultimately isn’t all that important whether your feelings are “justified” or not. I know that’s a bit of a hard pill to swallow because we all want to believe that what we feel is the “right” way to feel. But the truth is that the process for handling jealous feelings is the same whether they are justified or not. It’s just a little harder to deal with when you know an infraction has actually occurred.

Whatever the case may be, the way to handle these feelings is to talk about them. As with as with anger, you need to revoke the permission you have given yourself to explode into a jealous rage. You don’t HAVE to act that way. You can take those same jealous feelings and express them in other, healthier ways, that will actually help you heal your marriage instead of destroy it.

In the end nobody “deserves” to be an object of your jealousy. Although it might seem to at times, jealousy does not make your love any stronger—not for yourself and not for your partner. Even if the jealousy itself is justified, that doesn’t give you the right to “take revenge,” or “show them how you feel,” by acting in rash and irresponsible ways.

There are 3 Key Factors in Discussing Your Jealous Feelings that will help you make clear requests like the ones above:

1)     Use “I” statements. When you take ownership of your emotions with “I” statements you make it much easier for your partner to respond to you in healthy ways. When you are communicating about your jealousy with your spouse, try and use this important tool. Review the steps and the examples used in Section 4.

2)     Make specific requests. If you aren’t specific about what you need, it’s unlikely you will get it. Note that there are specific requests in each of the examples above. If you aren’t specific, and you ask for “reassurance about your jealousy,” you are setting yourself up for failure. When you need something like this from your spouse you should be as specific as possible about what you need.

3)     Remain open and honest when expressing your feelings. When you are talking about jealousy it’s important to be open and honest, just the way it is with all emotions. Just maintain your focus in light of the discussion above. Try not to let your jealousy pull you away from a frank and honest discussion about your emotions. If you do, you could get pulled back into bad jealousy. Remember that in most cases you are just talking about bothersome behavior, not an affair, and you are more likely to obtain agreement and cooperation in a friendly atmosphere without accusations and attacks.

Your conversation about your feelings doesn’t necessarily have to stop here. You could talk about it as much as you feel you need to, until both of you understand each other’s feelings. You might also work out and agree upon guidelines or a course of action to reduce the likelihood of a similar situation occurring in the future.

Following the model I’ve described above will allow you to turn the ugly green monster into a much friendlier beast that may even help deepen your connection with your spouse instead of letting it rip your marriage apart.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years.